Used To It

“I love you,” I told my childhood friend.

They know I say the words, and why I say the words.  It’s because I know what it’s like to not hear them, to want to hear them, to need to say them but not having the ability.

“I know.” Is the reply, followed by the explanation that I also am aware of, “I hear you but those words mean something different to me.”

It’s a conversation we’ve had before, more than once.  This time was different. 

I’m learning. I’m growing. I’m healing.

“Do you want me to use different words?”

“No.  I’m used to it.”

“Used to it.”

Those words stuck with me. Stuck to my heart.  Like a hurt should hurt less if it has happened more than once.  Has been there for years, or decades.

Perhaps it was meant for me to feel better, to give me a pass for doing what I needed to do, say the things I need to say. And maybe that’s ok for my old friend.  Because, after all, they’re used to it.

It’s not ok for me. Not anymore.  I don’t want to cause harm or bring up old hurts for anyone- intentionally or unintentionally.  Even if they say it’s OK. 

Especially if they say it’s OK.

This is a pattern I can work on. This is an area of improvement.  How can I feed my soul if I now know I was unintentionally hurting my friend?

As I was figuring out different words to say that would bring peace to both our hearts, I saw this same pattern from a different aspect, from a different person:

“I was going to do this for you, like I said I would, but I ran out of time.”

“I know,” was my response.  “I didn’t expect you to.”

I was on the other side this time.  When did I go from hardcore “A promise is a promise” to having no attachment to the outcome, to sliding right into the blasé “I barely acknowledge what you say you are going to do.  I expect you to not follow through.”?

When did I become “used to it?”

This is also something to work on.  How are other people going to value my time and energy if I allow them to do otherwise?